You know the Feeling?

You know that feeling of being absolutely, completely, undeniably free? I feel that right now.

Lately, there has been a lot going on in my life, and it has really been taxing on me. I stopped going to church because I felt hated and ostracized. I somehow drove everyone I loved away, and I had no idea what I did.  I literally felt completely and utterly alone. I mean I have felt lonely before, but never this happened. I honestly thought the only people who cared about me anymore were my family. No one wanted to hangout with me so I would cover hours at work or simply actually go home and be with my family. I started cussing. I started sexting some guy in England, because he said I was beautiful and that he loved me. I never in a million years thought I would be 'one of those girls' who would say 'I love you' to a complete stranger and send him tempting pictures simply because he asked. I remember thoughts streaming through my head saying I didn't have to do this, and yet I did it anyway. I made the excuse that I was rebelling out of pain or that I was the typical teenager, testing how far I could go until someone would notice and care or tell me to stop. But that never happened. No one told me to stop. No one knew. No one even suspected. My whole life I've struggled telling the truth. I lie a lot. Mainly to cover up that I did something wrong, or to somehow make myself cooler; or to prove something.

 Yeah, we're dating. Of course I can get a boyfriend."
 "Of course, I've gone to the races. I'm not as white and sheltered as you think."

But the thing is, none of this was ever good enough. I was still not cool enough. I still have no friends. I still feel like no one cares about me or wants me around. But that doesn't matter.

Now we've all heard this. If you haven't, you're probably lying.

If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed.

I've heard those words my entire life. After I blocked my 'lover' on Snapchat, I felt so guilty. I felt so sinful, so evil. My friend and I were recently talking about the end times, and our conversation honestly really scared me. He kept mentioning how if you're not saved for the rapture then you're not going that way. And it got me thinking, am I a Christian? God used to use me so powerfully, what happened? Why would he have used me so mightily if he didn't want me in his kingdom? If I was just going to go off and sin and never come back? No. I don't think so. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was three, and have reconfirmed multiple times. I still don't know, but I think if God has written your name in the Book of Life, he's not going to erase it. Once you are saved, you are saved. If the Son has set you free, then you are free indeed. But that's the thing, God loves me. God wants me. Everyone says I know who holds my future, and now I am reminded that he really does hold my future. I don't have to be scared of going to hell, because God holds my future. He said if I am free, I am free.

I kept trying to figure out what I needed to do, for people to love me again. Did I need to cry and weep before them or beg their undying mercy so I could come to church again? I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do.

All I'm supposed  to do, is walk away from my chains, walk away from the struggles at work or school or church, and let God deal with it. I don't need to feel guilty, to be forgiven. Isn't the king's opinion far greater than that of a previous sinner? And that verse about loving your enemies, sometimes your 'enemies' are people in your church or job. You need to love them. You need to love those who hurt you, especially them. You need to forgive them, and know that you are forgiven. You don't have to keep sinning because that's what everyone expects from you, you don't have to do anything. It was my choice to say no more to sexting, it's my choice to say I don't want to cuss anymore.

 It's my choice to have faith and believe that I Am Free. it's my choice to walk in freedom, whether the people around me think I'm free or not. If God says I'm free, I'm free. I don't need the people in my church to tell me I'm not free, because I haven't done what they want. They are not my God. When I am free, I am free. I can pray, without condemnation. I can worship wherever I want. I can smile with joy whenever I want. I don't need permission to be free.

I feel this joy inside me, that I just can't contain. I am His, and He is mine. I'm free, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I feel free.